Carnut Humour

     If a component requires 4 fasteners to hold it together:

    The English will use 4.

    Italians and French will use 3.

    Germans will use 5 (removable grade 8 hardware).

    The Japanese will make it out of plastic and it will work fine.

The English will use 4 fasteners – all of different threads without lock washers. Each of these will require the need for a long thin spanner and a great deal of patience to remove or replace. The part will be located in such a way that it is exposed to the maximum corrosion available and will be accessible only by removing something particularly greasy, rusted or frustrating.

 The French and Italians will make the part out of stamped .28 gauge steel where a casting would be required. It will be retained by three fasteners each of which is a wing nut. The fasteners will be anchored in a stamped metal strip held on by two pop rivets. It will be located on the firewall or inner fender and will come pre-rusted.

 The German part will be made of cast aluminum with nicely machined fins. It will be attached to a forged steel mount and cleverly mounted inside a steamlined baffle designed to tidy up the appearance of the engine compartment. It will be retained by 5 Grade 8 fasteners each of which will have a specific and critical torque setting. Removal will require the use of the factory tool only. Refitting will be impossible and will require the replacement of the entire unit by an upgrade.

 The Japanese part will be made of plastic retained by a patented plastic clip which is attached to the inner fender in a series of similar parts. It will have a stick-on foil label explaining in Japanese that the part is not to be repaired. A new part will cost more than the German part, 5 times as much as the Italian or French part, and more than the entire British vehicle.

The car will run badly without the British part however the owner will not notice after drinking a pint of bitter. The owner will quite enjoy the bad performance after an additional pint, preferably of Guiness. The Italian and French cars will run with complete indifference which will be replaced by a jaded curiosity if 1 litre of red wine is added to the fuel tank.

 The German car will not run and the part will send a message to the manufacturer via a hidden computer link/transmitter that the car has been disabled. The dealer will arrive with a tow truck, rental car and a large bill. The consolation bottle of schnapps will be included in the bill.

 The Japanese part will activate a hidden on-board timer which will result in the collapse of the entire vehicle exactly five years after the date of manufacture. The collapse will signal the Japanese Autocrusher Union to come and collect the remains, while the owner is offered a discount on the purchase of a new car over a ceremonial cup of sake.

 Finally, the American car will have eliminated the need for the part in question over 30 years ago.

 

 

He says…”do you have the V12 ?”

 

“Yep”

 

“Do you have the phone and fax machine?”

 

“Sure do”

 

“Do you have the TV set?”

 

“Of course . . . and I have the bed!” And with that the man drives off.

 

The first Mercedes owner says, “THE BED? I gotta get the bed.” So he goes to his Beverly Hills dealer and says “I don’t care what it costs, I want THE BED!”

 

Two weeks later he has his new Mercedes with a bed when he spots the other Mercedes-Benz. The car is parked at a restaurant, so he goes over and knocks on the rear window. After a short delay, the window comes down and the first guy says “hey, hey, I got THE BED!”

 

The other guy, irritated, says “You got me out of the shower for that?”

 

(original source unknown).

 

 

  From Australia’s Sydney Morning Herald, comes this story of a couple who drove their car until it broke down in a shopping mall parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches to his head.

 Hammer:

 Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 Mechanic’s Knife:

 Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

 Electric Hand Drill:

 Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

 Hacksaw:

 One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 Aviation Metal Snips:

 See Hacksaw.

 Vise-Grips:

 Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 Oxyacetelene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

 Zippo Lighter:

 See oxyacetelene torch.

 Whitworth Sockets:

 Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

 Drill Press:

 A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

 Wire Wheel:

 Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, “Django Reinhardt”.

 Hydraulic Floor Jack:

 Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

 Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:

 Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

 Tweezers:

 A tool for removing wood splinters.

 Phone:

 Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 Snap-On Gasket Scraper:

 Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

 E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:

 A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 Timing Light:

 A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

 Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:

 A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

 Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:

 A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

 Battery Electrolyte Tester:

 A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Trouble Light:

 The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin”, which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 Phillips Screwdriver:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 Air Compressor:

 A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

 

 Miami Ed.

Name:_______________________________

Address:______________________________

_____________________________________

City_________ State______ Zip Code______

 

Birthdate:______ Height:________ Weight:_______

Sex (Male or female. Not a yes/no question):_______

 

1. If you knowingly make a false statement on an application for a license or identification card, what can happen?

___ I can go to jail

___ I can be fined a lot of money

___ I can have the license revoked

___ The card will be incorrect

2. Can a person operate a farm tractor on a highway without a license?

___ Absolutely

___ Yes, but only temporarily

___ Not really

___ What’s a tractor?

3. What is an acceptable form of identification to show the examiner when you apply for your first license or identification card?

___ Social Security card

___ License or identification card from another state

___ License or Identification from Florida

___ Belt Buckle

4. If your name has been legally changed, how would you go about changing it on you license?

___ Go to the DMV within 30 days and apply for a new card

___ Use White Out and a pen

___ Let the people at the Witness Protection Program take care of it

___ Doesn’t matter

5. If you loose your license and need a duplicate, what should you do?

___ Go to the DMV and pay for a new one to be made up

___ Go to the DMV and ask real nicely to have a new one made up

___ Go to the DMV and wait on line all day

___ Just make a photocopy of the old one.

6. If you failed to answer a trafic summons, would you be able to renew your license?

___ Yes

___ No

___ Not until next December

___ None of the above

7. What is the result of accumulating 12 points within a 12-month period?

___ Jail time and/or a fine

___ I’d get a cab license

___ I’d go on to the bonus round

___ Nothing would happen

8. If you hit a parked car, and are unable to find the owner, what should you do?

___ Keep looking for the owner

___ Leave a note with my name and number

___ Leave a note with my boss’s name and number

___ Find a good lawyer, because I’m going to get sued.

9. What side of the road do you drive on?

___ Left

___ Right

___ Center

___ whatever’s easiest

10. Can you park on a sidewalk?

___ Always

___ Never

___ Only if parking meters are present

___ If everyone else is doing it…

11. What should you do if you are driving on the highway and pass your exit?

___ Go on to the next exit and turn around there

___ Step on the brakes, shift the car into reverse, and go back to the missed exit

___ Make a U-turn and go back to the missed exit

___ Just do something else that day

 

13. When should you use your headlights?

___ In the morning

___ When at work

___ When it’s dark out

___ When driving

14. What does a solid red light mean?

___ Stop

___ Go

___ Proceed with caution

___ Speed up

15. What does a flashing red light mean?

___ Stop

___ Stop, then go

___ Go, then stop

___ The light’s batteries are low

16. Who needs a class D license?

___ Those who operate trucks or trailers

___ Taxi drivers and chauffeurs

___ Those who ride bikes

___ Those who got a “D” in driver’s ed.

17. What is an open intersection?

___ One with no traffic lights or stop signs

___ One that has no barricades

___ One that is not under construction

___ One that serves drinks

18. What is “defensive driving”?

___ Driving as not to get in an accident

___ Driving as not to get in a fight

___ Driving as to win in a fight

___ Driving as not to offend

19. If four (4) people pull up to a four-way intersection, who goes first?

___ Whoever got there first

___ Whoever has the biggest car

___ Whoever has the biggest gun

___ Who said anything about stopping?

 

What do the following signs indicate?

 

 

 

 

 ___ A bridge is ahead and the clearance is 12 feet, 6 inches.

___ The road is 12 feet, 6 inches above sea level.

___ The road is 12 feet, 6 inches wide.

___ There is a 12-foot-6-inch-tall guy ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 ___ A crosswalk is ahead.

___ People are ahead.

___ Target practice is ahead.

___ They didn’t exactly get Picasso to draw it, if you know what I mean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 ___ A bicycle path is ahead.

___ A bicycle crossing is ahead.

___ A bicycle shop is up ahead.

___ Moving target practice is ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BOUGHT COMPUTERS?

 General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did . . .

 HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”

HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”

CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”

HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”

CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

 HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”

HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”

CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know?”

HELPLINE: “There’s a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”

 CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”

HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”

CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

 HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Your car sucks!”

HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”

HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”

CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!”

HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”

CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!”

 HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”

HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”

HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”

CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”

HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”

CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”